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The Weird World of Vintage Video Games…in underwear

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Golden Axe

This needs no introduction. Five vintage video games that for no apparent reason involve people walking around almost butt naked. From fiesty goddesses to brave knights, we look at the best pixelated pants you ever did see.

Altered Beast

Big arms, small torso!

The iconic 1988 hit from Sega tells the story of a dead centurion who has been brought back to life. He must fight his way through an ancient Greek world of myths and legends to rescue Zeus’s daughter. On the way, power ups allow you to gain strength and transform into a series of weird and wonderful creatures. One stage of transformation turns you into a beefed up bodybuilder in tiny weeny budgie smugglers. How very European.

Wonderboy

Wonderboy. Lurking around the woods in underwear.

Next on the list is another Sega hit, Wonderboy. This platformer has you control the aforementioned hero through a variety of stages to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend. You come into contact with a host of enemies (including snakes) and at no point do you ever think it may be safer to put clothes on. Hanging around woods in your underwear can get you in a lot of trouble, as Wonderboy soon finds out. One power up is a skateboard, which you also ride in your tighty whiteys. A true health and safety nightmare.

Ghouls and Ghosts

On the way to work. A massive vulture is staring at you and you realise you have no trousers on.

Part of the Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins series by Capcom, this game has you send Arthur on a quest to rid the kingdom of evil and save the soul of his beloved. When hit by an enemy, Arthur inexplicably loses his armor, leaving him outdoors and starkers. Which begs the question that surely the knights of old wore something under to stop armor based chaffage (Often known as paladin’s scrot or jousters crack)? The SNES version of this is notoriously difficult and it takes real skill just to clear the first stage.

Punch Out

Mike Tyson’s Punch Out

King Hippo is one of the boxers you will face should you take on the challenge of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Hippo is the chief of an unnamed Polynesian island. He is a big guy, with a big gut, but his shorts are even bigger. During the bout he will constantly pull them up and they may even drop should you land the right blow. This results in a hilarious glimpse of King Hippo’s enormous undergarments. Ok, it is not that funny but it is one of the greatest boxing games ever made.

Athena

Athena out clubbing.

Ok, at least this game gives a backstory to the nudity, despite it being a terrible one. In SNK’s arcade hit Athena from 1986, Athena has fallen from the heavenly kingdom. On her descent, her long flowing dress was lost while catching the wind for her fall. So she spends the rest of the game in a tight bikini. What is it with people getting nude in the woods?


Have we missed any vintage video games? What games do you know about that have gratuitous underwear in them? Tell us in the comments below

All images from https://www.mobygames.com/

Thank you Moby Games!

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